Rantz - Tuesday, December 10, 2024.

Listening: Luxuria by Sins of the Siren.

Not that I'm a creative or anything cool like that, but the problem for me when engaging in artistic hobbies (art, coding, make-up, etc) is that it is so easy to compare myself to other people and feel awful about myself and my work as a result. This happened to me a lot with drawing, which is part of the reason why I quit. Now it's happening to me with coding and neocites, and it sucks! because it's kind of ruining the whole thing for me. You'd think (as I thought like the naive preteen I was) that someone would just grow out of it. After all, isn't that what everyone says about depression? It's just a phase. You'll grow out of it. It's just hormones. It's just a typical teen thing.

If anyone reading this has ever said something like that, honestly fuck you. Healthy teens going through a phase don't cut themselves; they don't want to die; they don't hate themselves so much, they avoid the mirror, they stop eating. Fucking hell, they don't fucking try to kill themselves!

Why haven't I grown out of this? I'm too old for this. Why am I still like this? I thought I would've been okay by now. Nobody ever told me that depression isn't just some silly teenage quirk, it's an actual debilitating illness that destroys your identity, your interests, your spark. If I knew I had an actual problem, I wouldn't have degraded myself so much. Maybe I even would've asked for help before it got to the point of tying a rope to a doorknob.

Nobody takes mental illness seriously. Everyone thinks it's a matter of personal failing or just bEIng EdGY. I hate it so much. It's not like I want to be miserable; I just want to be okay. Why I am still not okay?